The knowledgeable professional

As you know I packed up my life, of the previous 4 and half years and moved half way across the country. The transition I won't lie has not been easy, life has had many twists and turns, and I've had no regular schedule. I've had good days, and I've had bad. I have really noticed this time how my relationship gets challenged every time we move, as our life is no longer as secure as it once was for a short time. The busy and hectic life I once had in Toronto, I loved. It seems like forever ago that we went through the same emotions when we first landed in Canada. What moving does is challenge yourself to look deeply at what you want and who you are. 

  Everything about my life in Calgary is different. I have moved from a an established program, to coming to nothing. I left a strong team of colleagues, to nothing. I left good relationships professionally, to nothing. Yet in this short time I have learnt so much more than I did in Toronto. There I learnt off of those I worked with, although now I am challenged to explain what I do, why I am different, and because I am not in the conductive education classroom or yoga studio, maintaining that passion that I can one day make a difference, is hard. Really hard. Do I really believe all that in myself. I will continue to tell you about all the other teachers I work with, but never myself. I have learnt that words are never enough, actions speak more to keep people engaged and on your side. 

  Right now I'm a name yet I have no actions to support what I do, and I am working hard to grab my audience, but sometimes days are hard. It takes just one comment from a colleague or passerby, and my faith in my abilities is gone. I am working hard to learn a system, and each day has no routine, that sleeping at night is hard, as I continue to evaluate where I am and what I am doing. I work on a computer and occasionally get out to meetings. I get excited and high with every person I meet who works in my field; occupational therapist, physical therapist, speech pathologist, social worker, yoga teacher. Basically anyone who is just there to help make the lives of other people a more enjoyable place. Basically anyone who is passionate about what they do. To help people feel at ease with who they are and show them their own overall potential. I have met some great people along the way, this city is thriving with people offering programs galore that I can't help but worry there will be no space for me.

I'm coming to evaluate myself as a professional. I have spoken with many people and we talk of different approaches to rehabilitation or teaching. I have always been someone who is keen to learn, by being in new environments which challenge me, or by signing up and paying for a course. I learn from each and every moment, and I take time to listen to others and respect what they say. Over my career I do not resonate with all therapies or class styles, but I am conscious who I share this information with. I never want to add to a worried parents confusion, or stress out a care-giver in letting them believe they are doing something wrong. I have taken time to work with families and notice that everything they do is for the best interest of that very person that is connecting us. If they ask for my advice I give it honestly, I share why I like something, and what benefits it can bring, and share my reservations based on my beliefs or an experience I am aware of. What I am finding very challenging is that not everyone works like me or thinks like that. They are keen to watch people fail, to give reasons why not to do something or why they are different. I often hear of the differences in conductor teachers who are trained in certain places, and hear how I will never be as good as some because of where I was born, raised and chose to do my schooling. I just want them to see me and watch what I do. See that each night I plan and think extensively what the next day will bring. I have continued to learn, and develop my skills and knowledge, and it seems that although it should help, it can work against you as you break away from the system people believe they should be having. I do Ashtanga yoga, because I love it, but I'm not hooked on the idea that it is for everyone, although some Ashtanga teachers will say it. I continue to attend different classes and take extra course as I never want to be able to turn people away and say I can't help them or adapt my class enough for them. I know people who will refuse to try an Ashtanga class because the intensity of some practitioners who scare and intimidate them. It is the same with my classroom. It pains me to turn a child away because the way they learn slightly different from the rest. Whatever happened to 'I must teach the way you learn'. I work extremely hard to ensure each and every one of my students, when in yoga, tutoring or conductive education, gets the best they can. I must be versatile, I must observe what people need and I must give them my all. I owe them that. What does is matter if I use a word which doesn't fit into your system, such as the 'fundamentals' or 'principles of'. Describing my class in a way that I use set principles is a way to help you understand, what builds up the structure of my class. I'm scared to ever define my class as one set way, as people are quick to criticize what you did compared to what they already know, if they learnt the 'correct' way the first time or not. Do they even know what the correct way is? Does anyone? I have heard of practitioners who are trained in two alternate therapies and combined the two. People love it, clients excel, and there is something for a broader audience, so why to other practitioners trained in only one of those disciplines criticize so much. Is tradition getting lost, or just evolving to meet the modern world?

Watch me and you'll see that all I am trying to do, is help. I'll be honest with you, where I learnt my skills, what my teachers continue to teach me and where my opinions and thoughts stand amongst all that, and give you opportunity to express your thoughts too. I apologize in advance if my knowledge is too broad, too much, or in fact not enough in what you exactly want, but know I will continue to learn to what I believe betters myself.

To be or not to be.....

A vegetarian?

 I know what some of you are thinking. Literally I do. I hear both sides of the argument all the time. I'm in a torn world, and don't know what is thinking more, my heart or head. Both have reasons to argue about it too. But I'm not here to open discussion, preach or even get approval, but its a windy path I've been moving down for many years. I've been having a really hard time talking to anyone about this. I talk to a vegetarian, and of course I'm made to feel guilty, I talk to a meat eater, I'm made to feel guilty again. I look back to past places I've been, and I feel even more guilty again that I can afford to take time to dwell over what I eat, to dwell upon what goes into my body, and to have the option to refuse what many people could only dream of. But when will the guilt stop? To be honest I don't think it ever will, because I can never look at anything from one point of view. I can only ever listen to everyone, if they offend me or not, I don't forget the seed that gets planted, then it intertwines with all the other growing thoughts from all the other seeds.  I always said if I chose this path I would never preach. Yet I'll admit I'm embarrassed to even tell I'm considering it to some people, as often meat eaters will preach the most, 'as it's all about the science'. To be honest for many years I have concentrated on what I eat, and at times let it rule my world, for good or not so good reasons, but one thing my partner has always reminded me for 9 years is "you stress so much about what you put into your body, you forget that the stress is the most damaging thing to your health". And dare I say it..... he's right! And it seems I am on that roller coaster again.

The reason I choose to write about this now, is I have gotten to the point of meat making me sick to the stomach. I gave up fish a few years ago, for reasons I won't share because then I will be that preacher I aim to avoid! Before I was never a big meat eater, since doing yoga I have wanted to follow ahimsa (no harm to any living being), as I do now really get sad just thinking of the trauma any animal has to go through. The challenge is, I go home to England to a cow farm. I see how well they are treated, I see how many people are thankful to my family for providing them with local, free range sustainable food for their families. I really only used to eat meat that I knew how it was sourced, or when it was cooked for me. I again would focus on not being the difficult person at the dinner party, or in the room. I would just eat what I was given, again grateful for the efforts a person would go through to serve me a meal. I rarely craved meat, or ordered when in a restaurant, unless I could ask the chef about the life, and diet of the poor thing I was even considering. But I then became that embarrassing person to take out. I have eaten meat only a couple of times over the past few months and each time I didn't enjoy a bite. The texture, the thought, all wrong, and I can't even put my finger on when that happened.
Do I believe in the massive health benefits of being vegetarian or vegan? Once again yes I do, but I also believe the arguments against. As a person who limits dairy as much as possible (although struggle to say goodbye to cheese) I fully understand the problems dairy brings to our systems, not that I am lactose intolerant, but my body knows when I've had too much, but I am scared to reduce significant protein sources. The past few weeks I have felt weak and tired, but I don't think its lack of protein, but high stress, lack or exercise and general SAD (seasonal effect disorder), but who's to tell, although I can probably guess what you meat eaters are thinking right now. I did read once never to change your diet as the seasons get colder as you body fights for survival more frequently and uses stored reserves. When I was India I didn't eat meat, but did I feel better? Not really, apart from when I was on my yoga retreat. Fully vegetarian, but they cooked without garlic or onions, and yes I felt great, but I also slept more and relaxed more than I have in years. I have researched a lot into Ayurveda, and try to incorporate many of these areas into my life, and these are definitely two food items a person such as myself should avoid. Since leaving India, I rarely cook with onions or garlic and the only time I feel groggy the morning after a meal is when I eat out, (because where can you buy meals without these two ingredients these days,) or too much cheese or sugar (don't get me started on trying to give up sugar). Ok........ you are onto to me, as I am avoiding trying to be a fully fledged vegan out of convenience, for cooking for two, meals out and weak will, to give up cakes and milk chocolate.


Either way I will continue on my journey, eat what feels right and just be thankful for the delightful and yummy array of choices I have available to put on my plate.


  

The annoyed Ashtangi

So I am going to start being honest here and say that since my move my yoga practice has been shameful. I have been busy here there and everywhere, and write this post while away with work. I planned to get settled in Calgary and establish a stronger practice, but waiting to get settled is still in progress. I was finding the only way I could practice was by getting myself to a studio. This way nothing else could distract me and I could give myself that time. This was wrong. Now I'm in a new city I can make the most of new studio offers. Usually as a promotion studios do an intro week or month for around $30 or $40. So I had hoped I could make the most of this. In a way this is a good thing so I could try different teachers and styles. I was so desperate to practice that I didn't care where I would go. But what started to happen was the complete opposite effect. I was getting irritated, bored and resentful. I realized I am an ashtangi!
  What's an ashtangi some of you may ask? Well I practice ashtanga and they say certain types are attracted to this practice. People who are matter of fact, who like hard work, discipline, goals, expectations, and measurability. I teach ashtanga and vinyasa, but vinyasa is a sequence made by the teacher, but I learnt vinyasa, from someone who also practices ashtanga. My teacher, Shareen, has never disappointed in any of her vinyasa classes. Her classes were packed with athletes and I would say she had a cult following of students who like a class to challenge them. The reason I resonated with her classes is they were well structured and always well planned. She had a practice set all the time, and I could see she practiced her own sequences. She was direct with her instructions, never over talked and on occasion would lighten the work with a comical comment here and there, as she could laugh at herself if she accidentally said the wrong word here or there. Maybe Shareen has set my expectation at such a high level, and finding a vinyasa class with anyone else will never have the same effect.
  When I was in Edmonton with David Robson, who only teaches ashtanga, he commented on how its good to follow ashtanga as it's an established practice. Its more than one person in front of a room, guessing what works for the class at that time. This was a great comment, and yes I agree but I used to love vinyasa as I always felt safe in Shareen's classes. BUT I have just had some really awful classes, in fact let me reword, awful experiences, that I am struggling to even contemplate doing a vinyasa class in another studio again. I don't want to blame the class, because upon leaving the class, many students would comment how amazing it was, how great the teacher was and how amazing they felt! I on the other hand, had other comments to share. Firstly when a teacher walks into a class of 15 people and asks what people want to do and they answer 'sweat' this has me worried. We are in a hot yoga room of course we will, so we could all lie down and feel lovely if that is the only goal. So has that teacher got anything planned for us, is she going to make it up there and then. Don't get me wrong, I have on occasion when I have had a class of 1-2 people asked them what they want to focus on, but I use sequences I have already taught, and I can adapt easier as there were a significantly less amount of people in front of me. Here I could pay close attention, give them direct guidance, advise them very specifically with their practice, and postures to suit their bodies.
  Why else would I get so wound up, you may think, it's yoga, shouldn't it relax me. YES but when someone tells you to 'intuitively welcome any movement that feels good', or that you should 'spread your fingers radiantly on the ground' I can't help wonder if I was the only one who noticed what weird instructions these were. How can you spread your fingers 'radiantly'? Telling me to do that doesn't making me feel lighter, more calm, or zen. It confuses me as I firstly try to understand how you could use that word in such a context. I was told to 'ride' the flow, but there was no flow as the movements were linked so statically, and you kept me standing there why you  tried to explain something you yourself couldn't even do. I felt unbalanced as you talked more when we were holding things on the left  compared to the right. You told me to take child's pose when I wasn't even tired. You had me inhaling into flexion, when I feel comfortable exhaling here. You congratulated us, on how amazing we were but I don't need to be congratulated like I'm 5. I just wanted to practice, focus on my breath and have direct instruction as to how to perfect my posture.
  I guess sometimes as a teacher you should never base yourself on who you aspire to be like, but focus on who you don't want to be. I would love to teach classes as good as Shareen, and that I am respected as much as she is, but I believe I have worked hard on creating my own style. I believe I teach as I know best, I teach to those how they need it, and I aim to read my audience and how to change the pace each day, based on their skill.  I hope I explain enough to set a foundation for my students, but also allow them peace in the class to figure things out in their own bodies. I hope my classes flow, and make sense, with some excitement as I mix things up, but predictable enough that they can be safe as they transition and hold, and see the progression in themselves over time. When I am proud of them I smile to myself, and make note to share my observation at the end of class, as it resonates more with them here, when we are at the same level.
  For now I will reach my teacher through the cyber world which will remind me of why I went deeper into my yoga journey, and excite me back into vinyasa again. Check out Shareen's classes at: https://www.youtube.com/user/ShareenYoga. You won't be disappointed.

Kids can love yoga too

 Photo courtesy of Camp Aim.

I've been wanting to blog on my work teaching kids yoga for a long time now, but I felt I needed more personal experience doing it first. As you may know I work in the special needs sector, with either people having physical, cognitive, or both challenges. When starting my yoga immersion back in 2012 it was a personal journey, alongside a change in work responsibility which I knew would be harder to let go, when returning home each day. I never toyed with the idea of teaching, or even combining my skills of movement therapist with yoga. But on graduation there was demand and need for it.

I first tried in a private setting with individual children with ADD or autism, and wow did I see it work. I saw focus at the end of just a short practice. Particularly one girl who just needed a boost in confidence, I saw she needed something to make herself feel good, and when she learnt new poses she resonated a new confidence. She learnt to understand if you want something, you need to work for it, which she did, versus how she was often frustrated in school. Each day we played yoga games, we held asana's we did a breathing activity, and more importantly she was able to be still and focused at the end. It also promoted bonding moments for mother and daughter as she would show her mom, teach her mom, and they would congratulate one another.

I decided to try and create some classes of my own, to see the need for classes for children with physical disabilities. I had contacts to a yoga studio in North Toronto through the special needs community and a ran a small camp for girls with cerebral palsy. The girls seemed to love it, and I played around with themes and focuses each class. The camp was for an hour a day for one week. I was delighted with some of the feedback, and I had a physiotherapist email me, saying she could even see one of the girls she was also working with, looking stronger. I loved teaching the classes and I was hooked on wanting to teach more. Yoga is cool for any child to do, so why should these girls miss out.

 The biggest challenge as with all aspects of my life was trying to fit everything in, I am one of those people who just never has enough hours in the week to do everything I want to do. Proposing to a yoga studio you want to run a class which potentially, to begin with, has such a small audience, is hard. As people running a business they often want more numbers, so when I looked into setting up something alone, it was hard trying to fund the studio rental, ensuring I could cover the cost's if I was initially only going to be able to support a small clientele. I am also adamant that this should not be another expensive intervention my parents should invest in, but something that any typically developing child would pay too. I was sure to try to give myself at least one full day of rest a week, so logistics of when I ran class, was hard, plus I was affiliated with interested families from all over the GTA and realized people were tired of travelling for more programs for their child. They wanted it in their area, so finding the perfect spot for me was also hard to find.

 I was blessed to get acquainted with Camp Aim who ran an after school program, on Mondays. Perfect for me, a day not in my regular job, but a day I was often busy with appointments, so turning out was no problem at all.

I admitted to the program director, the yoga teaching side of special needs was new to me, although in the field for over 10 years, I was just thankful for the opportunity, the classes were short, often 20-30 minutes, and when working with a class of children with down syndrome , and on the autistic spectrum, some days were predictably harder than others. I again played around with the way I spoke to the kids, the firmness needed to find the right balance of choice and that of making them follow direction and instruction. I introduced new concepts and brought back what they knew so they could see progress, and I learnt when things needed to be changed (often after the harder classes) At times the program supervisors said they were amazed how long the children were able to stay on their own mat for such a long time, or were able to interpret abstract images or work with new people. Travelling to the location was long for me but I loved it, and felt most days the children got things out of it, even if just a short period of time.

I was able to work with Camp Aim over the summer months and opened up to teaching more students yoga and again things came with success, and every child made each staff member smile at least once which their engagement into the activity at hand, either a moment they understood better breath awareness, listening, sharing or gross motor balance. I saw why every parent is considering yoga for their kids now, and I see the market is needed and feel sad I couldn't bring more to families in Toronto, but will continue to explore options here in Calgary for one day being able to help others just experience, explore and try yoga and see how it can help in many more ways than they think.

A weekend needed

Since leaving Toronto  I have again found myself feeling an array of confused emotions. The drive was long and work has been hard. I am in a different role and lost as to where to begin and a new life here has finally made me panic. I am glad we came here, and I wanted to be here, so it feels weird to be feeling stressed on something I wanted to do so much. It's a time when a good gossip with a friend is in need or a night out, but my friends are very very far away. One thing that is evident that I need to do is find a yoga studio to get me back to a regular practice. I have been suffering with trapped nerves in my legs since the journey and it's been over two weeks and the same issue hasn't gone away, I know because of my limited exercise schedule. I have tried my best to get to class, as there is no room for a self practice in my house, and I went to one studio not far from where we are living right now, but I came out feeling the same, fed up, lonely and with anxiety. The studio is Iyengar based, and although I love trying new styles and mixing things up, so I can learn new information, some classes really don't satisfy. I resonate with Ashtanga and I was missing Ashtanga. Lots of Ashtanga teachers I know, have admitted at some point in their life they have cheated on Ashtanga, but they always come back, and I have been feeling the same. I am now ready for direction, to surrender to the hard practice which at times kicks my butt, but does have me feeling great and attentive afterwards.

This brings me to tell you about my weekend, I was planned to be in Edmonton for work reasons on Sunday night. The same weekend as one of my teachers from Toronto,  David Robson. David is a big deal in the Ashtanga world and I am honoured to have practiced in his studio in Toronto. I used to attend Mysore classes early in the morning, which were jammed with people all hoping for guidance from David, and his time was always spread thin as everyone was there for him. I loved the studio as there were three authorized Ashtanga teachers teaching there. Also the assistants were consistent and all held the same respect for these teachers that the same theories were continued each day, so you were always getting the same information and knowledge. Everyone was strong and confident. There were some assistants, as with anything, that I resonated more with, but all were good and had a dedicated Ashtanga practice. The community in Toronto was amazing, and although I wasn't as strong as others, as regular as many and found it a little harder to fit in I was amazed at the way they all loved and supported one another.

 The moment I saw David was driving distance away I knew I had to be there, in Edmonton, and I made arrangements to travel up, two days earlier than the work commitment I had. Why you may think would I travel four hours away just to be with one teacher, I have already had. Sometimes when you are with a teacher doing the same class, or workshop again, you will always get a few new bits of knowledge or words of wisdom, and I was very much in need of this. Just the odd phrase and perspective he shared would make the decision to be there so worthwhile. David has a great way of teaching, he shares knowledge of tradition and uses theories and science important for our western culture. He shares stories of his practice, and experiences with his teacher to make it clear he too is a student, and any teacher continues to practice and learn for their own students, if not new knowledge can't be shared. He makes people laugh, he makes people think and he makes people question. More importantly he took time to be with everyone, at least once. I believe he can sense what people need emotionally in their practice and he changes the way he speaks to them in order to support them.

 I needed a weekend of yoga. I needed a weekend to submerge myself on the thoughts away from work, life in a new city and financial insecurities. I don't care to if I had to stay in a hostel to afford the trip which made me tired, and by Sunday my muscles were sore, because it's always a good sore that I know my body needed . Practicing Ashtanga was what I needed although I did clearly notice I have regressed and lost strength, but I could see with practice I can be back where I was weeks ago.

 I loved being pat of a yoga community again, even if just for a weekend, I could see what a lovely crowd was part of this studio environment. A kind a generous studio owner, genuine and pure, and I hope I do find something which fills this spot in my life in Calgary. I hope to be back to Edmonton to practice at this studio, around the people who share the passion of Ashtanga soon, and I hope this feeling stays with me a while. All in all, it's made me realize, yoga gives me hope, as it turns my thoughts around and changes the way I think as it is much more than a physical practice as it's works deep into my mind.

Check out the studio in Edmonton: http://www.trueashtangayoga.com/
Check out David's studio in Toronto:http://www.ashtangatoronto.com/

My own practice and its changes

Since returning from India my own yoga practice changed. Although I love Ashtanga yoga immensely I have questioned its philosophy lots., as does everyone who gets hooked. As a fairly active and highly strung person I can understand why I am so drawn to the practice, and when I teach I can see why certain students have made this their practice of choice. Before I went to India I did a 40 hour restorative yoga teaching training. I learned so much from my teacher here, she was extremely knowledgeable in the anatomy of the body and I love the theory of restorative. People in our western world need more rest, but the norm for some of us is to push ourselves to extremes. To feel we are achieving something. Yes its good for our body, but then there is the stress of not achieving something in your regular practice, or the guilt of not getting yourself to your mat. It’s a pure mind game, and yes I understand what Ashtanga is trying to teach, release the attachment to achieving a certain pose, it will come when ready, but you must practice. and make a dedication. This I do believe in, but living life so strictly in such a strict western world, I don’t think works for everyone. For me I like the structure and the measurability, and seeing what can be achieved. However doing restorative I learned to actually give my body what it needs. If it needs invigorating, give yourself a pose or practice which does that, if you need rest, take it, don’t feel bad. In restorative, if your body needs rest, it will absorb the benefits. Before India I had to incorporate a daily restorative practice, and I can’t believe how much I felt the benefits. I had to find about 20 minutes daily to do a practice.  I had to as I was documenting  a daily log , and I’m not perfect, there were some days I missed it, but it was the best thing I could have done. It’s not meditation, as you allow yourself to release any conscious mind, but rest as deeply as you need. I repeated my favorite poses, as they focused on key points. I learned deeper in Ayurveda and learnt more about pitta personalities. I knew I needed to be closed in, poses resembling deep hugs and compression, which funnily enough are things I rarely give. I have never been someone comfortable to hug strangers and when my mind is racing a hug even from a loved one is the last thing I desire.  So here I was taught a lot that these where the poses I desired and craved. I made mental note to absorb more touch from people should they want to give, but this is something I am working on still!

  Going to India and being on my retreat I learnt a lot about meditation. I learnt which styles suited me, and which ones promoted rest, or awakening etc. I fell in love with pranayama as I could really deepen my breath and loved the concentration it required and again even if not a direct meditation it calmed me and just required me to focus my mind on only that and be still for any length of time. Since returning from India I stopped my morning Ashtanga practice, for a few reasons: the summer months at work being busier and me needing to be in work earlier, saving some money in preparation to move I cancelled my membership at my studio, and I wanted to incorporate meditation and pranayama into my daily routine. I would wake, do some practice and then on days which would allow do some cardio such as running or swimming. If I could time it perfectly when the dog was out the house I did some sun salutations before she could jump over me. 

  What this also gave me was opportunity to spend more time with my partner in the morning. We often had a morning drink or breakfast together, or even a conversation was a big deal, as before we wouldn’t see each other until the late hours of the evenings. The mornings were often more relaxed and I felt less stressed in other areas of my life. Being at home in the morning, allowed me to sleep an extra hour, keep the house tidy and just spend some with my family. I moved my yoga practice to the evening. Although not ideal, I felt this was actually a better compliment to my already busy schedule. It was a wind down, and my body often felt good as it was naturally looser. That said I have missed my morning ashtanga routine, but something had to give somewhere. In India I did a practice both at sunrise and sunset, and I often felt more comfortable in the evening. I was actually able to calm my mind more and felt ready for dinner and evening schedule. I noticed in the morning smaller things would annoy me, or distract me. Usually you should keep your practice consistent and many readings say morning is best, but my teachers in India told that pranayama is best done in the morning when the morning is the most fresh, so I will make sure this is always done then. I love cardio work outs in the morning and couldn’t imagine it any other way, so providing my schedule allows I will not feel guilty if I can’t make class in the morning, but be ok that I got there in the evening. Whichever practice I take I will be thankful I got myself on the mat and this way I can practice more of what I preach, be happy with yourself, and congratulate just taking a moment for you.

New Adventures

It’s been a quick and busy summer and I’ve had many things on my mind that I have wanted to write about. But today I have chosen to just make note of the new change in my life. I am currently on route out of Toronto. The city I have loved for the past 4 and half years. It’s going to be a long week, with lots of driving. So while I take time to just rest on the road I thought I would use my week to reflect on my life since returning from India.

So why have a just up’d my life and chosen to move? Since I was young I knew I wanted to live away from England. I had a thirst to be somewhere beautiful. I knew I wanted to go against the norm of finishing school, getting a job and buying a house before starting a family.  As I get older I wonder if this was a bad idea, I’m 29 with nothing material that I really posses of any worth, but in honesty that doesn’t bother me yet. I am a career person and know should I continue to work as I do I will be able to bring those things into my life one day. When I was 15 my dad and step-mom took me on a trip through Australia and New Zealand, and although they saw me as a teenager not appreciating the beauty, they were wrong. Don’t believe that the youth is wasted on the young. I think this trip stimulated my thirst to travel. Since that trip I knew I wanted to go back and see more. I knew that new experiences in new cultures help you learn and develop. Since then I’ve travelled and worked abroad. I’ve been sensible with my travels with a good budget and ensured I have met locals and respected their culture.  I chose Canada to move to for only a short term, we planned for a year or two. Here we are with permanent residency and starting in another province and city, Calgary.      Since moving to Canada, I have travelled East and West, and had many experiences; backcountry camping, kayaking with whales and staying in the ice hotel are to name a few. I have crossed many paths with some amazing people and formed close friendships with a particular few.  I’ve been overwhelmed this past week with the realization that I am moving so far away from these people. Again I go to no friends, a new role and a new environment.

  For while we have been thinking of moving west in Canada. As much as we love Ontario we are drawn to be closer to the Rockies.  It was always the image of Canada we had planned to move to, before we realized how every part of this country is so different. We visited Banff a few years ago, and it was a place we really connected as we explored. We are not big skiers so took our time just taking in the sights, admiring the beauty, going for walks and gave a go to cross country skiing. We fell in love with the crystal clear waters, the awesome back drops, the wildlife and the fresh air. It was an important part of our life as we realized how much of a similar life we did want such as to have opportunities to be outdoors.  People see me as a city girl, and yes I like civilization and making friends, with a good dancing night out. But give me a mountain to climb, and a moment of silence at the top to take a deep breath and appreciate the natural beauty of our world, I would take that any day.  I’m not an adrenaline seeker, but I never want to take our world for granted. I never want to take my life for granted. I value how lucky I am to be even given these opportunities, even if it involves hard work to get them.

  When residency came we talked of changing province, but my field is so rare it would mean setting up a business on my own. My partner has been unhappy for a while in his job for a long time now, and I was feeling down also as he has huge amount of potential and it was killing me that his job opportunities have been limited over the past few years as he literally has up and rooted everywhere to follow my career and he has found whatever he could. As soon as residency came I knew we had to invest in sending him to school to do what he wanted. Being together nine years he has only ever kept going back to the idea of being a paramedic. So we looked into it in Toronto, but we got nervous as it was expensive, so we started to forget about our dreams of being out west. For a while we planned, talked about it with others, had a deadline to get there, but it just fizzled out. I knew to send him to school. I have an organization offering me stable work and benefits which is important, plus I have my other yoga teaching projects taking off so it made sense to stay. For a while I started to cling to disappointment we would have to wait to get out there, but he was my priority.

  When I was India I was doing a lot of reflecting, letting go of attachment and literally have an amazing time, that it was a while that it never crossed my mind. I was proud of myself as I checked my work emails only twice. The second time with news there was potential to move my job role to Calgary. It was fate, things comes to those when ready. I don’t know if this sounds silly but I now believe that things happen when they should. Do I believe our paths are already planned, I’m not sure, but how can something fall into place like that, when I literally stopped the worry and lusting over it.

  In Calgary we can afford to send my partner to school as its a province rich of work opportunities for him. and I get to still do something I love while he builds up his own career. We’ll soon be living in a city driving distance of the mountains, and it’s like I can feel the crisp , fresh air already.

 Goodbye Toronto and those I care for and know, I miss you and thank you for making my last few years AMAZING, but let the new adventure begin!

Inspiration found in Hyderabad

My trip started and concluded in Hyderabad. A random city in India for many tourists to choose, but I had a reason. To visit an organization that now runs foster homes for children who are orphaned, in which most have a disability. I'm so pleased to say this isn't an orphanage anymore. The charity is Sarah's Covenant Homes, and a friend of mine has been volunteering the past year of her life heading a foster home with another girl, were they are the primary caregivers for 8 children all with disabilities. I'm sure I won't be seeing Nikki in Canada again for many many years as she is head over heels in love with these children and it's amazing that this organization has realized the importance of children having this love in their lives. Since Nikki has been in India I have encouraged her to ask me anything she needs incase I can shed any insight on how to help her children develop. To be honest it's something that I could definitely see myself doing if I was a few years younger to, but I've now moved on to that next stage in life and anything I can do to help these wonderful volunteers is nothing compared to what these girls are actually doing. It is rare to see people so young willing to sacrifice their life in North America, to devote themselves to children who they want to help. I know where they are at and where these girls want to be. When I was 19 I went to New York State and worked in a special needs camp, and from this point my life was changed forever. I was addicted to the enjoyment these people brought to life, how I learnt so much everyday, and the people who work with you in the field are so amazing, fun and passionate, that it's such an addictive world to be in. I then looked to work in the field moving forwards and so many things have stemmed from this one summer in 2004. I've been in Uganda and Vietnam on volunteer projects helping in orphanages and schools, and been touched by a few certain children, that I knew I would one day adopt. When Matt and I lived in Mauritius we fell in love with all the children in the school, but there were two orphans who had special places in our hearts. When you are with two boys full of life, who you know have nothing of their own, who have so much potential which people fail to see, you can't help but dream of the life you could give them. As I said we cared deeply for the other children also, but we worried for the future of these two, we couldn't help not to. From this point I've always known you can definitely love a child as your own and only want everything for them, and feel pain if you ever see them sad. People often tell me it's not the same as loving a child that you nurtured for 9 months, but if have to disagree, and I hope I am right. I hope people understand that these children can be loved and will be loved and they will change your world forever. I still think of my boys in Mauritius and dream of what life would be like if they were in it. It's my biggest regret not having them in my life, but there were lots of reasons adopting any of them would have fallen through. Me being only 24 one of them, but I will one day adopt a child into my home. A child with special needs is definitely welcome, but when I was 24 this could not of been a financially stable option, and to be honest even not even now, but this will always be a consideration to my future, which I am preparing for.
  Nikki's has continued to email me while she's away and I have tried to give as much knowledge as I can from the different areas of my previous and current career. I have followed her blog, her Facebook posts, and signed up for the updates of the charity itself, and see the beauty in all of her children, that in a way they already had a space in my heart. I fundraised to send money to help her, and I invested in a lot of things to donate, as well as collected donations from friends.
 I had planned to work with SCH for longer but I was convinced this would be my only ever visit to India so wanted to see some of it, and of course learn from the roots of yoga. Now let's look at it this way, I fell in love with a puppy I was with for two weeks, imagine if I was these kids for one month! I will admit I was scared of the attachment I would feel.
  I stopped in Hyderabad on my first day to drop of donations and meet the kids and offer some advice to Nikki and Tori based on their goals. It gave me a sense of their routine and their layout. In all honesty I couldn't think anyone else would be doing a better job then these two young ladies. They really are working these children everyday to get them on their feet, to improve speech and communication, self care skills and cognitive abilities and all at the same time making sure they get the care and love they need. I offered my advice and assured them they are doing a great job, my advice was based on posture, motivational ways to make them move, and strengthening techniques. I spoke with them as I do with parents at work, but also spoke to them as professionals sharing stories of experiences have had in the past, and reinforced that they are definitely doing great with the kids and to focus on the small things and maybe some of their goals will be met much slower than they had hoped, and just advised what aims to set first hand to get them to their ultimate goals eventually. The girls aren't therapists but working as therapists and the best thing these children could have.
 After my travels I visited them again to see how things were going and to work more hands on with the children myself. This was interesting for me, as I've always been conscious of being invasive or over familiar with other peoples children, but the kids were so used to having hugs and kisses they were more than happy to share them with me (heart melt). Many of the children were showing off their abilities as they knew the reasons why I was there, so working with them was easy. At times I felt at a loose end as maybe I was hoping I get these kids producing fantastic results, but I had to remind myself, that they will learn slowly and it's the patience of Nikki and Tori which has got them so far already. This time I was giving advice based on new smaller goals to help with full development of the body. I showed them how to facilitate, reasons why isolating certain muscles is important and things to look for in gait and posture.
  They asked me to work with the physiotherapist who comes in to work with the children which was hard. Hard because it's someone else's territory who hasn't asked for your advice, unlike the girls were doing. I gave it a go, structuring it as to finding out what his goals are for the children, and instantly I knew, he had none. He had no idea what were the goals of the foster mom's and some children he clearly avoided working with. Being careful how I approached the situation I explained I work in a school setting so I have a experience working with parents on skills for life and integrating therapy into busy environments with using little equipment. With one child I made a suggestion and his response was 'he doesn't have the mental connections to do that'. I had to breathe, I had to bite my lip and think very quickly about my response. Thinking a child doesn't have the ability to do anything is not something I dare to think of and even tolerate hearing. It looks like this is the way many therapists can work in the area and unfortunately why my friends are working their butts off to prove these people wrong. I understand the professionals point of view as you have the detachment of what a parent feels and it's easier to not be motivated if a child doesn't achieve much by working with you, but a child will never learn if you don't change your goals to help them succeed. A child will never learn if you don't take time to know them and the way they learn and adapt your program to how they do. A child will never learn if you never work toward the zone of proximal development, a stage they can only reach with your help. Sometimes I wonder if some professionals look at me and wonder if my goals are ever realistic, but I believe I am. I know it's seems advanced at times, and I know it seems challenging, but I never leave them to do that journey alone. Anyways I may not of changed the way he thinks, but at least we streamlined some ideas together, with him too having ownership,which will hopefully give him inspiration to keep changing things up. I will still always be there for Nikki and Tori and their 8 kids and I will still take time out of my routine back home to help them as much as I can.
My two days in Hyderabad were busy, as I tried to get out and see some sights at the children's nap time, but again another shame I couldn't be there more, but it was time for me to visit my family again, and return to life the other side of the globe!

The real deal

My two weeks in my yoga retreat are through and it's with very mixed emotions that I write. My journey from Rishikesh to Dehradun airport saw me move from tears of hurt, to tears of joy. One thing I've got myself in to the habit of doing is when I ever feel myself feeling low at any point is finding myself an inspirational quote. In a way to act as a mantra to myself. What I do is search on line on something based on knowing what I need to do. For example when I found myself getting emotionally attached to a group of stray dogs and found myself getting overwhelmed with frustration that I couldn't stop thinking about being unable to bring them home, I needed to find something to remind me to let go.  One of my teachers from the retreat talked a lot about attachment and although I had learnt many times about the pain associated with attachment, my India trip has brought this to light. I didn't submerge myself into an ashram away from the world I knew, I had massages, ate well, had a clean room in a hotel with access to wifi to keep in touch with my family, but attachment to feelings and emotions is what I struggle to let go and the biggest thing ever holding me back. I found a quote by Buddha which just summed up everything about the way I have been feeling for years, "You only lose what you cling to". I think this says enough in itself. I never really want to have a would of unattachement and live my life like a Buddhist monk, I'll admit that, as I am a fiancé,  a carer, a friend, a sister and a daughter and I need to love them all as much as they love me. It's fair to say that, but I need to stop clinging on to hopes I have had from a teenager and understand that I'm not loosing anything if my life pans out differently over the next few years. I'm not loosing something that was never mine in the first place, if you cling to it, you believe it's yours and that's what makes not having it harder.
  Using these quotes I save them on my phone or write it on a pad which I leave by the side of my bed as a small reminder every time to look. Maybe at times I'm not feeling anything I particular but it will remind me, that times are positive anytime, no matter how world the low seems at any time.
  Leaving Rishikesh I started again to think about the next few days and the travelling involved, and how much I would love to stay to watch my friends complete their teacher training, more time enjoying the beauty of the environment or spending more time listening to my teachers talk about teaching, purifying the mind, desires and reeling off Sanskrit that is set into their minds. I needed to remind myself about saying goodbye and I found something again which needs no explanation "I'm lucky enough to have something that is so hard saying goodbye to" I know how lucky I have been for this experience in so many ways. It was all at my own material expense that I could afford to get here, but others lives have had to change while I'm gone for that short period of time. If only I had this mantra 4 weeks ago saying goodbye to Matt at the airport, as we kissed each other for the last time before I got my flight.
 I booked my retreat through a website linking me to teacher trainings and retreats in India. I found Kaivailya Yoga and for some reason this appealed to me more than any of the others. (Maybe it was the pictures taken on the banks of the Ganges with mountains in the background, but when I started to read more and visited the direct website I knew). I wasn't particularly wanting anything focusing on Ashtanga, for a while I've been looking to learning different perspectives and grow my knowledge in many ways to be able to offer more to my students who can't do a practice without props, who struggle with getting into poses in a breath and who want to be worked at a pace which suits them. As my own practice develops over the years I feel physically yes my body is opening up/ getting stronger, and yes I have been significantly different since doing my yoga intensive last year, but I need to apply these philosophies into my everyday life, which working the hours I do has always been the struggle. With the physical practice I do, I can still get tired and worked up.  Kaivailya Yoga has taught me a whole new aspect to inter grating yoga into my life. The asana practice was Hatha and we did classes twice a day with two very different teachers. Sometimes there is certain stigma related to certain practices of yoga if you practice a different style and many people who practice Ashtanga may perceive Hatha as boring or slow. Ashtanga can be associated for more class A type people who like to be busy, active and fully engaged physically and mentally, which as you may know suits me well, and I will admit if ell into the perception that Hatha was, do I dare say, a little boring. Boy did these teachers prove me wrong. My morning asana teacher was so particular to detail there was never any shortcuts, his attention to detail just taking our time getting into a pose was amazing (although at the time so hard and I may have thought otherwise) this taught me to breathe, work through it and continue to hold until someone else told me to come out. In comparison when I self practice Mysore Ashtanga I hold for five breaths which is easier to meditate through as there is more of a recognizable goal, and there can be ops invite reinforcement the closer you get to the fifth breath. The evening teacher was so different but again I would love in many different ways. He mixed up his teaching style often, he gave good adjustments and explained how we can help others in our practices, and focused on key areas ( hip opening, core work etc) He started each class nearly the same each day, with simple sitting tasks, but they really focused us in ready for the practice. He sang a mantra and beginning and end of class, and listening was always one of my favourite times as he had such a peaceful voice. I would say as a teacher his style would be more like my own. Either way at the end of the day over dinner we would talk about the things we learnt and how teachers so would say things. Their expressions, pronunciation and overall adjustments (for example one had a habit of flicking your limbs to make you straighten them) would often make us giggle but never did we come out saying a class was bad.
  One shock to the system was doing yogic cleansing techniques, a practiced talked about amongst my yoga fiends but rarely have I met any that follow it through. The thought of it overwhelming, but experiences I am glad I can say I participated should anyone ever come to me to seek further guidance and advice, I at least have some knowledge and where to lead them. Experiences maybe best not shared in this post but in memories with my friends on the course.
  The best focus for me was by far the pranayama and meditation. Pranayama has been an interest of mine for a while,and I have tried to practice alone but often teachers throw a few techniques into classes, which I thought was cool, but never did I have teacher really take time to explain each one in such detail, and prepare us all so well, ask us for our experiences during the practice. It was also the same with mediation. So far I've only ever taken guided mediation through online sources, but it was hard to find stuff you like, the quality was bad and there are only so many cheesy washy washy 'mediation' soundtracks you can listen to. Little did I realize just how many different styles of mediation there is, and it was interesting to compare how each one have different results for different people. Some people found any vocalization hard and worked better with silent mediations, and others couldn't concentrate her, so needed to produce sound to focus in on the vibration and the rhythm. These classes were led by the program director Amit. I really liked Amit, he spent many hours with me in the afternoons as he took me to see the sights of Rishikesh, he is genuine and generous. He explained that he always wanted a course that delivered quality versus getting in a larger quantity of people and not having that time to get to know people. When we reeked we talked about India, mediation and overall life. I found out he worked in the finance world in India, working long hours with stress and little time for himself. He started yoga after and injury and loves life now in Rishikesh, you can tell even without knowing him well. He hopes and so do I, that one day he will have an ashram with a location on the banks of the river further away from the town, bringing even more peace. Everything Amit said always made sense. If he ever stemmed deeper into yoga philosophy he could some up a lot in just a few sentences. I hope one day he also to develops a program for people returning to his retardants and trainings to help guide us further and deeper once we've implemented the first stages of his advice.
  I find important to also talk about one other teacher at Kaivalya yoga. He was the philosophy teacher (who also taught the teacher trainees anatomy). Being on the more laid back retreat the philosophy class was optional for myself, but I am so glad I took time to go. Mehesh was amazing at. Knowing the yoga sutra's, Bhagaved Gita and Hatha yoga prapritaika texts off by heart. He would speak with passion and would explain things as they were written. He told us the roots and told us the ultimate yogi. His knowledge was exceptional and I have never seen anyone talk with such passion. He guided me with a small consultation in Ayruvada and there is only one thing I am sad about, and that is that I didn't get to spend more time with him. My little notebook was full of expression and quotes from the texts, but also those of Mehesh's own,and one day I believe I will be using these as mantra's to get me through some tougher days. I fully believe and hope that great things come to Mehesh and that he receives all the acknowledgement of his exceptional teaching efforts in the very near future.
 Hopefully after my blogs in Rishikesh you feel the passion and importance this small little part of the world has had in my life, and it's fair to say I definitely got the real deal.