Hue Rehab Hospital

I'm here, I'm tired and I've had a pretty crazy, yet amazing week. Basically this week has involved work! Good work, but tiring work. Life has been nothing more than this project for the past six days. After arriving at my hotel Saturday night, heading straight to bed, and then meeting with most of the team over breakfast Sunday morning, that's when it all began.

The No Ordinary Journey Project is set up and ran by our president Laverne, who is a mother of a 20 year old girl with cerebral palsy. Laverne has never let her daughters cerebral palsy be a barrier from them travelling the world together and it was on a trip to Vietnam in 2008 that started up NOJF. Laverne realized that those with cerebral palsy in Vietnam don't live life like her daughter, and she has created a vision of revolutionizing the care of children with cp and increasing knowledge and awareness within the community and medical field. With several journeys back to Vietnam leading to a conference in 2015, the foundation is taking another great leap. A three week project working with families and educating therapists in a rehabilitation hospital. I was invited to join her team back in October last year, and not really understanding much of what was involved apart from I would be joining a multidisciplinary team with a conductor from Hungary, an occupational therapist , physiotherapist and herself from Calgary. We are all dedicating our time to make this happen, which given the time frame is pretty hard for some of us to do. Its great to be part of such a dedicated and knowledgeable team, so different to my years volunteering before I graduated. We know how to laugh, prepare and read all situations clearly. The project nearly didn't go ahead and only two weeks before I found out the project had been moved from Nha Trang to Hue (two completely different parts of the country) This meaning there are several differences in what was originally planned, including younger children, and different therapists, but luckily the project was saved with Lavernes contacts and some great people on the ground. I know she had high hopes for Nha Trang and I'm not fully sure why they, at the last minute pulled out, but Hue have us and we are doing our thing with pride. Our project is sponsored by Rotary International, who have worked with NOJF for their recent visits to Vietnam.

So Monday, the day following Tet, (which seems so long ago) we were getting prepared to maybe have hardly any children come in (due to time management and expectation being slightly different to what we may know). We had a arranged a core hub of 10 students, with the aim of showing what development can be made in three weeks with the right intervention. But we got 14. This number is pretty unheard of for groups in my field, but as we tried to wean down to 10, the decision was too hard, so we confirmed we would work with all 14. This meaning, starting Tuesday we had 14 children, 14 caregivers, 4 therapists, 5 translators and 8 Vietnamese therapists all in one room. Those poor children must have the sense they are in a goldfish bowl, but my heart melts everyday, with their smiles. We all want the same thing for them. Some cry consistently which is nothing new to us, but they find time to smile and have the cutest little faces. I still struggle to pronounce their names, with my intonation being very off, but luckily, the families laugh along with me. I take it in turns each day to lead a series of exercises for EVERYONE to follow. The four of us have translators (all keen and young medical or foreign language students) who communicate with the families, and I try my hardest to intonate my voice, use sign language or just sing to keep them motivated and on task. I don't hold back with handling the children and do the actions on the parents themselves to help them understand the motions, and the positioning we are trying to achieve. We may not communicate clearly through speech but we find a why to help transfer the skills they need to learn. The translators repeat the families thanks to us each day, and its positive to see that they do try and implement our suggestions. This is major, we are in a place, where they aren't pushed as we are pushing them, (the therapists here really just don't have the time), but we are bringing new tasks and theories to the table. Today I had several families asking for pictures with their child, just knowing that I'm there for them, and willing to spend some one-one time appears to be invaluable.

The more we get to know, they more we understand about the physiotherapy and speech therapy training here, they are short courses, done as top up to degrees. From what we understand the 'doctor' sets the goals for the child and the therapists work on what they have been told. We have very young children, diagnosed with cp at very very early ages. Many caused by 'high fevers' which remain to us unclear, but either way we are here to to focus on the child now and where they can be. We are being asked every question under the sun, and I wonder who they usually go to to get the answers. We are here for the child, but I've tried to let the parents know they are special too, asking how they are, with a simple smile, or arm around the shoulder. Many are grandparents and I'm inspired with how they try to replicate the things I do knowing how tiring what I do is.They remain in awe at my singing, as this is quite clearly something not done here, and I'm never usually complented so much on this, so I'll enjoy it while I can. Singing and music is a universal language and I am making these children work very hard, so of course if I can remembered for something else I'll take it.

The afternoons are training sessions for the staff, and its nice to see the discussion happening, although they are still baffled why I feel I need to sing! Funny what I would believe is a no brainer doesn't translate so well to another culture.

An Astronauts Guide to Life

So random title for a blog post for a girl who's travelling abroad, but it just felt right. So let me explain. I love reading but never do it enough, and really the only I time I ever get do it, and make progress through a book, not taking over 5 months to finish, is when I'm away or bound to public transport for a daily commute (which I no-longer do). I've started off my trip with Chris Hadfields 'An Astronuats Guide to Life' and I haven't been able to put it down, When I read I do like novels, but tend to buy more factual based books, as I pretend to swot up. This book was already in our house after a trip to Cuba last year. Matt can finish a book in days, and often talked how much he enjoyed this book, so I definitely wanted to read it. To start let me say what an inspirational man. But why have I felt the need for this long winded introduction to An Astronauts Guide to Life.

I'm on the fifth day of my travels and I've hardly had a conversation with anyone here. Things are broken in translation and it's often the pleasantry's or the sales pitch. I stayed in HoChiMinh City 6 hours (to sleep), before flying to PhuQouc. Knowing little about PhuQouc I was keen for one thing. Snorkeling! It had already been a pretty stressful experience getting there as I struggled to get travel arrangements together as I had no idea it was Tet (the Lunar New Year), which has pretty much shut the country down and doubled the price of everything. That said, I am over the moon with my decision to visit PhuQouc. I am so glad my first day in Vietnam wasn't the hustle and bustle of HCMC. I think it would have really delayed my body clock further, but being in a place I could sit, rest and not feel bad at simply taking in the beautiful sunset. One thing I certainly did notice there was I am a solo traveler. I've traveled alone before, but the more I think about it, it's usually places like big city's where you're walking about so much no one even notices, or you grab fast food or take a packed lunch and no attention is drawn to you, as you can tuck yourself away or find a mutually equal area where people are doing to same thing. Versus this time I was in a place people are either with friends or in couples/families, that when you sit at a table to order food, you certainly get the sympathy look. That my romantic walks along the beach at sunset are replaced with my iPod. The wonder of why is she alone? The discussion about the engagement ring on my finger, maybe I'm just being full of myself, because maybe no one actually noticed, but I know in the past I've done similar assumptions to others. This is the first time I haven't ever really cared. And this revelation came when I was sat at the dinner table eating in a restaurant and was reading Chris's book. He talks of missing his family, which I certainly do, but he says he never feels lonely. That loneliness is a state of mind, and those with many people around, can still get depressed with loneliness. And that's it, I realized there and then, missing someone is different from being lonely. Wishing they were here, is still different to feeling lonely.

I guess maybe for a long time, I was feeling like I should be lonely, as punishment for leaving Matt in Canada, (he's probably reading this and nodding his head) but I guess I am only alone for a few days, I know my reasons why I'm here, and really that's what matters. It's been great having detachment from so many things.  I've currently been going through lots of changes lately and when living life regularly at home, working extremely long days 6 days a week, emotions run high and things are never clear, I feel like at times I live in a blur, confused. Coming to volunteer abroad feels right and I am living in the present. I am conscious of the money I spend, but remind myself to do what feels right, I've worked very hard to get here and you only live once. It's exhilarating to do things at my pace, for my satisfaction and my satisfaction only. There is no objective. It's not about pleasing people, its not about ensuring I'm always helping at least one person, because I forget about helping myself first. I don't feel I can ever get the balance right. Another quote from Chris's book was 'If you start thinking that only your biggest and shiniest moments count, you're setting yourself up to feel like a failure most of the time. Personally, I'd rather feel good all the time, so to me everything counts even the small moments, the medium ones, the successes that make the papers and also the ones that no one knows about but me. The challenge is avoiding being derailed by the big shiny moments that turn other people's heads. You have to figure out for yourself how to enjoy and celebrate them, then move on'. With this at the forefront of my mind, I reminded myself it's not about how much you actually do (I'm not competing with anyone else's travel style), how much I capture to tell people back home, but to just embrace the moment and enjoy the pace I take it.

In PhuQuoc I wanted to get out to snorkel and to hike in the National park, but I had three days. The first day I panned to lay on the beach, swim, eat, read, walk along the shore and catch up on some rest from the long journey. Most people recommend hiring a motorbike and driving up to the North area to visit the park and beaches up there, but I will not be riding any motorcycle alone. I've heard of many people getting injured this way, and with a three week work project ahead of me, I didn't want to risk anything. So was happy to book onto some tours. They were reasonable and lunch was included so, win win. Day two was planned for snorkeling in the south, and day three was kayaking and hiking in the north. I was the only solo traveler on the snorkeling tour, and it was great, I was the longest in the water snorkeling and wasn't restricted to where I could swim. I was very disappointed with the amount of rubbish along the shore by the islands, and pretty disgusted that the tour people where just emptying cans, bottles and left over food into the ocean off the back of the boat. We are trying to do so much for our planet in the western world, but quite clearly not here, but then I reminded myself, I am here to educate on cerebral palsy, to DOCTORS, so what can I expect on the clean planet issue to just about everybody here. We visited San Bao beach, famous for its beautiful white sand, but it was so busy (for Tet), I had to find a quiet patch, near  more rubbish. Without a doubt with 100,000 less people it would of been pretty tranquil, and I was reminded of the many times in Mauritius, we had beaches to ourselves, so was reminded that I have had some very awesome times in my life.

Day three the tour was cancelled as not enough people signed up, so I requested I go snorkeling in the north. I'm glad I did as it was much better than the south. The tour was less busy, the pace was slower and the coral was prettier (although lots dead, because of people stepping all over it) Many local people can't swim very well, so they had life jackets and would put their feet down whenever possible, so I'm sure killing coral was the least of their priorities. Maybe I should work on educating Vietnam one bit at a time ;-) Then I was one route back to Ho Chi Minh City. I found out my flight was delayed until 12.40, meaning I wouldn't get into HCMC until 1.30am, so I thought I would pass some time with some beers in a bar.

Again another short sleep in HCMC and I was picked up for a tour of the Mekong Delta. I had decided to book a tour, to save hassle and basically just enjoy the vacation I was having, so avoiding stress at any costs. I don't feel bad for doing it, even after reading all the reviews on forums online that, tours cheat, you don't see anything or experience anything blah blah blah. I came across the Mekong Lodge. This involved HCMC pick up, lunch, dinner and breakfast, (all out of this world), overnight stay in a lovely room, a bicycle tour on Tanphong Island, cooking class, swimming pool, tour of market and local food factory (showing how to make many things from coconut and rice). It was a very peaceful experience again all at a great pace, and pretty interesting. So many fruits in the orchards, a guide to educate us on local lifestyle, and being out on the water. I highly recommend them. I slept perfectly, even though it was noisier than sleeping at the music festivals I have been to in the past because of all the very load karaoke blasting from peoples homes. I just focused on the sound of the water nearby, the crickets, and felt happy that everyone was enjoying the last few days of their special holiday.

I'm finishing up writing this at the airport as I wait for my flight to Hue where officially work will start tomorrow. It feels like I've been here longer than five days, so all of a sudden three weeks is feeling like a very long time. I'm trying not to focus on it, as really I have no idea what to expect. I feel like I should quote again from 'An Astronauts Guide to Life' but there are so many good things he says, but one thing he does mention several times, is you can spend hours preparing what to expect, but sometimes you may not know. Be as prepared as you can be, and know that's good enough.

The reason I've returned

I have one particular friend you can thank about we rekindling with my blog. I guess everyone starts writing one with all good intentions to write regularly, however are people who write blogs, often the most busiest people of them all? I can’t believe its been over a year, and trust me I had a new years resolution back then to blog more! Believe it or not, I hate being centre of attention, don’t get me wrong I like recognition, but I’ve spent my life doubting myself and always wanting to be better, never really believing compliments are true, and I often think who really cares firstly about my thoughts and in general I wonder what’s my point it writing them down. I am sitting on a plane embarking on a very long journey to Vietnam, and as I spent a very late evening packing my bag just two days ago, I came across a journal, filled with only a few pages I once started to write. It was a present from my wonderful partner, although I had never written in a journal before, many people have said I may one day regret that. I get told I’ve had an interesting life, but really I don’t even believe it. I’ve seen some really painfully sad,  but also amazingly, breathtaking things, and I’ve had some epic adventures with friends, my love and solo, but I’ve been keen to embrace every part of it. I travelled with a friend once who hid her face in her journal documenting her feelings and I’ve spent many moments alone sitting next to someone behind a lens, and yes there is always something solid to show, but I do think I’ll hold on to those feelings I’ve felt longer than people will believe. But blogging lets me share what’s going on with people from different parts of the world, and saves me boring you with it when we do get to chat when I get home!

Travel is a funny thing, I love it and hate it at the same time, I used to think people who travel are the most educated in the world, that they are a select few amongst the community, but now its nothing new. Now I sense arrogance around it all, people who back pack have issues if you choose an all inclusive, as it’s not ‘real’, it becomes a competition of how many places you have on the next person and who can get to the most rural place ever to get the most authentic experience. Trust me I’ve been there and done it. I unfortunately now hear people apologize that they haven’t travelled enough, and sometimes feel scared to speak up in front of those who have ‘travelled’ But who cares it’s your life and if it makes you happy then live it, you are not alone whatever you choose. My mum always told me all she ever wanted in life was her home and her family. All these years later now we’re all out the house, she is living a very wonderful life, and I have to say I am often quite jealous, and I can’t wait for retirement! My goal once upon a time was to see  every continent, I have a few more things on my bucket list I’d like to see, and I still can’t get over the urgency to do it all now. I think since I’ve lived in Canada, I’ve simply experienced so much in one country alone that is everything feeling numb? Don’t get me wrong, I will NEVER take it for granted, but really do I have to visit every continent to prove a point, am I really scared that I’m letting someone down, maybe I’m scared its myself, because once upon a time I thought I would get to those places. I’ve been living these goals as if tomorrow was the end of the world and I’d die with regret. Now I see what a lot of nonsense, I’ve come extremely far and I’m doing it to the best of my ability. I have many years left and there is time to spread it all out. I’ve just had a fantastic Christmas with my dad and step-mum and it was exciting for me to witness Carole shed a tear at this first time experience and the beauty she was seeing for the first time. They embraced the cold like troopers, and its exciting to be part of the memories they made and stories they can share with people when they get home.

When I lived in Mauritius I had an amazing life, scuba diving, kite surfing and a whole lot more, but most of all I worked with the most wonderful people. When we were there, status was very apparent, and I will never take that for granted, the poorest of people would treat you so well and be the most generous to you, as if an honour to know you, yet you just wanted to be treated normal. However I fully understand we weren’t normal. I was 23 living on a tropical island. People would invite us to random weddings, people who had nothing in common with us would invite us out for dinner, was it status to be seen with us, or was it pure genuine? It was definitely both, depending on the person. The respect that’s been given to me on my travels over the years has been extraordinary whereas now  I live in a culture, where I feel sad as I feel our kids don’t even respect their elders enough. What I feel is a shame now, is that there are people out there who need these travelling adventures by spend thousands to appreciate what we have in our Western world, but are we literally throwing it in the face of those we flaunt ourselves in front of. I’ve caught myself saying it before, I don’t have the money for that, I’m not rich enough for that, yet here I am in this beautiful country, yet some of those people haven’t even left the mountain on where they live. Essentially I am their income, I buy, they eat. Tourism is what it is, if you’re doing from a backpack or a suitcase.

I think travelling has just got hard for me as I get older as I am definitely getting softer. I watch too many documentaries on Netflix, or a read factual books more than novels.  I’ve been to Vietnam before and Uganda with a ‘volunteer’ project and I always knew I got more out of it than what was giving. How could I at 19 and 21 make a significant impact with the volunteer systems in place. I did actually take on extra projects, to actually make more significant impact on smaller communities, I wasn’t happy with simply feeding orphan babies. I’m not Bono or lucky enough to have the money behind me to build a village but I asked to help more. With volunteering I felt I saw more rural things, and learnt more about the culture. Travelling gets harder the more I am away from England, its not longer home I’m afraid. My life is here, my career, my fiance and my two dogs. So leaving them is hard, because I understand the significant impact it has on those I leave, they don;t have family around to break up the tie I am gone. It really is becoming painful to do it, but again why do I, where did this need come from?

I never planned to visit Vietnam again, but I was approached by the director of No Ordinary Journey Foundation to assist with her project. This was a particularly intriguing offer, firstly because I was being recognized for my work as a conductor, which is often hard as we are so often unrecognized undervalued and sadly not respected by some professionals. She said with my experiences already working in third world countries, that she was confident I would be able to advocate as needed. It means a whole three weeks away from home, but in total 4 weeks as I left earlier to try and acclimatize to the time difference, so I don’t start and finish exhausted. To date this has been the hardest journey I’ve had to make, just because of the guilt that is put upon me. Taking time off was hard, telling people I was going alone was hard, and the reminders of how long I am going away for is even harder. Yet I don’t think I reminded anyone enough that really for three weeks I’ll be working 10 hour days, I would have to overcome some hard frustrations as I’m sure what we say is questioned and not believed. For a while I’ve been doubting my professional capacity, getting burnt out with stress of just not being that good at what I do. I need to be here for my professional learning, not for a month in the sun. To work with a team of players, an interdisciplinary team of players, all different but united by this very cause. I need to prove to myself that I have the knowledge to help people learn. My director told me, we are essentially training the trainer. No that sounds official, in my mere 30 years of life, I’m actually having people listen to me and maybe if I’m lucky implement my beliefs and (dare I say) knowledge. That’s why I’ve had to do this. That’s why I’m taking 3 flights to Vietnam, and that’s why I had to go through that pain, it’s a pretty exceptional opportunity, not only working first hand with the children, but planting roots that could help more after I leave. I hope this will be worth it!

No more slacking!

As we have rung in the New Year i'm sure many of you have set your resolutions. But as we know rarely many of those are kept or become a new way of life. Over Christmas I thought I would do a cleanse after the overindulging, but then cleansing in Winter when the temperature is already below -20 is the worst thing to do. In the cold months the body needs a good source to keep our ligaments safe, and keep us warm. So I have decided just to work on on eating what feels right, and eating what my body needs.
  I've had a busy couple of months and I have missed,with all my heart, my regular yoga practice. I could feel myself getting into a slump, putting things off, as it had already been a certain amount of time since the last class, so what was another day or two.
Don't get me wrong, I was going to classes, but doing yoga once or twice a week is significantly different to the three to four times a week I have once known. There are so many reason's and excuses for this, but there are two that I kept going back to. You can't get anywhere in this city without a car, and I am currently sharing one, so if I'm not at work I'm at home. So I wanted to implement a home practice but we've had the most awful experience in rented accommodation which was not fit for even living let alone a yoga practice. I'm glad to say we are now out of that hole and moved into our own two storey home. I always thought I would be a condo girl, but having a house to be comfortable in is a very different feeling. Although still half moved in, with limited furniture with nowhere to empty some moving boxes, I am making the most of having so much space. The day we moved in (one week before christmas and three days before our trip back to England) I made a pact that I no longer had any excuses, I would be content with spending time in my home, and doing yoga.

I used to go to a studio in the mornings to practice Mysore. I would get up around 5am and head there before work. Mysore practice is famous for the dedication its practitioners follow, but I was never as good as some in the studio. I averaged going around 4 times a week, sometimes 5 if I could make a led primary class, but I knew people who were there 6 days a week. I again had the typical excuses not to go to class; I slept badly the night before, I couldn't get to bed until after 11pm due to all my other commitments, I had to teach in the morning so had to be at work extra early, I was sick, I was injured. People who don't do Mysore don't understand it. They are often quick to tell why you are damaging yourself, why you shouldn't be doing it, and I often would try to listen to why I was tired and blame that, not the thousand other reasons I know were the real problem. Until you've dived into the practice its hard to understand. I've always preferred to practice in the morning, and I always felt good for the rest of the day and I did see a change in myself once I took on the more regular practice but I wasn't implementing so many other yoga principles into my life. Going to a studio helps keep you focused and honest to your practice, plus you get some amazing adjustments ;-) I used to implement some home Mysore practice when I was away, when space would allow, but in my own one bed apartment with pets and other humans present it was hard. So now no excuses, I have the space, I have the time, let my home practice begins.

I will continue to attend a studio as I believe I need to find the right teacher, I still need to be guided and corrected, but I will be disciplined with myself and become my own teacher. Learn from the practice and what my body is telling with each day being so different.

So far I'm on day 2. Here's my experience so far:
Day 1- After a log time off I'm stiff especially my hamstrings and glutes, but also know this has something to do with the long travelling involved only two days before. I really struggle with my practice after flying or travelling, for quite a few days. I often experience pain and tightness in my glutes after sitting for any length of time, and doing yoga regularly helped me notice what happens to my body when I'm not active enough. I struggled to forward fold (so bent my knees) I struggled to balance (first time practicing in a carpeted room) and I struggled to maintain my drishti (gazing point) where I needed. What I did realize, I love Marichyasana A, yes this bind pose is my favourite asana of all others, and I love how vinyasa's keep the spine flexible and fluid. Since I stopped my regular practice I've often indicated the need to get my spine 'cracked', as I just feel stiff and restricted. I've been missing something and the moment I practiced I got addicted to the sensations I was feeling along my spine.

Day 2- It's a Sunday and after little sleep after being woken by external sources, I decided to get up and start straight away. I'm not sure this was the best idea. My arms struggled to support me in down dog, as they would shake and shiver. I had to put my knees down to prevent collapsing in my  chaturanga so I generally felt weak. I tried not to over analyze, but modify anything I needed, and took out a few vinyasa's as no matter what I did I couldn't feel strong and do them well.

Tomorrow is a moon day, so maybe that indicates my lack of energy, so I will rest and hopefully it will be at a time useful for my body to restore, ready for the next stage of my home practice.

The knowledgeable professional

As you know I packed up my life, of the previous 4 and half years and moved half way across the country. The transition I won't lie has not been easy, life has had many twists and turns, and I've had no regular schedule. I've had good days, and I've had bad. I have really noticed this time how my relationship gets challenged every time we move, as our life is no longer as secure as it once was for a short time. The busy and hectic life I once had in Toronto, I loved. It seems like forever ago that we went through the same emotions when we first landed in Canada. What moving does is challenge yourself to look deeply at what you want and who you are. 

  Everything about my life in Calgary is different. I have moved from a an established program, to coming to nothing. I left a strong team of colleagues, to nothing. I left good relationships professionally, to nothing. Yet in this short time I have learnt so much more than I did in Toronto. There I learnt off of those I worked with, although now I am challenged to explain what I do, why I am different, and because I am not in the conductive education classroom or yoga studio, maintaining that passion that I can one day make a difference, is hard. Really hard. Do I really believe all that in myself. I will continue to tell you about all the other teachers I work with, but never myself. I have learnt that words are never enough, actions speak more to keep people engaged and on your side. 

  Right now I'm a name yet I have no actions to support what I do, and I am working hard to grab my audience, but sometimes days are hard. It takes just one comment from a colleague or passerby, and my faith in my abilities is gone. I am working hard to learn a system, and each day has no routine, that sleeping at night is hard, as I continue to evaluate where I am and what I am doing. I work on a computer and occasionally get out to meetings. I get excited and high with every person I meet who works in my field; occupational therapist, physical therapist, speech pathologist, social worker, yoga teacher. Basically anyone who is just there to help make the lives of other people a more enjoyable place. Basically anyone who is passionate about what they do. To help people feel at ease with who they are and show them their own overall potential. I have met some great people along the way, this city is thriving with people offering programs galore that I can't help but worry there will be no space for me.

I'm coming to evaluate myself as a professional. I have spoken with many people and we talk of different approaches to rehabilitation or teaching. I have always been someone who is keen to learn, by being in new environments which challenge me, or by signing up and paying for a course. I learn from each and every moment, and I take time to listen to others and respect what they say. Over my career I do not resonate with all therapies or class styles, but I am conscious who I share this information with. I never want to add to a worried parents confusion, or stress out a care-giver in letting them believe they are doing something wrong. I have taken time to work with families and notice that everything they do is for the best interest of that very person that is connecting us. If they ask for my advice I give it honestly, I share why I like something, and what benefits it can bring, and share my reservations based on my beliefs or an experience I am aware of. What I am finding very challenging is that not everyone works like me or thinks like that. They are keen to watch people fail, to give reasons why not to do something or why they are different. I often hear of the differences in conductor teachers who are trained in certain places, and hear how I will never be as good as some because of where I was born, raised and chose to do my schooling. I just want them to see me and watch what I do. See that each night I plan and think extensively what the next day will bring. I have continued to learn, and develop my skills and knowledge, and it seems that although it should help, it can work against you as you break away from the system people believe they should be having. I do Ashtanga yoga, because I love it, but I'm not hooked on the idea that it is for everyone, although some Ashtanga teachers will say it. I continue to attend different classes and take extra course as I never want to be able to turn people away and say I can't help them or adapt my class enough for them. I know people who will refuse to try an Ashtanga class because the intensity of some practitioners who scare and intimidate them. It is the same with my classroom. It pains me to turn a child away because the way they learn slightly different from the rest. Whatever happened to 'I must teach the way you learn'. I work extremely hard to ensure each and every one of my students, when in yoga, tutoring or conductive education, gets the best they can. I must be versatile, I must observe what people need and I must give them my all. I owe them that. What does is matter if I use a word which doesn't fit into your system, such as the 'fundamentals' or 'principles of'. Describing my class in a way that I use set principles is a way to help you understand, what builds up the structure of my class. I'm scared to ever define my class as one set way, as people are quick to criticize what you did compared to what they already know, if they learnt the 'correct' way the first time or not. Do they even know what the correct way is? Does anyone? I have heard of practitioners who are trained in two alternate therapies and combined the two. People love it, clients excel, and there is something for a broader audience, so why to other practitioners trained in only one of those disciplines criticize so much. Is tradition getting lost, or just evolving to meet the modern world?

Watch me and you'll see that all I am trying to do, is help. I'll be honest with you, where I learnt my skills, what my teachers continue to teach me and where my opinions and thoughts stand amongst all that, and give you opportunity to express your thoughts too. I apologize in advance if my knowledge is too broad, too much, or in fact not enough in what you exactly want, but know I will continue to learn to what I believe betters myself.

To be or not to be.....

A vegetarian?

 I know what some of you are thinking. Literally I do. I hear both sides of the argument all the time. I'm in a torn world, and don't know what is thinking more, my heart or head. Both have reasons to argue about it too. But I'm not here to open discussion, preach or even get approval, but its a windy path I've been moving down for many years. I've been having a really hard time talking to anyone about this. I talk to a vegetarian, and of course I'm made to feel guilty, I talk to a meat eater, I'm made to feel guilty again. I look back to past places I've been, and I feel even more guilty again that I can afford to take time to dwell over what I eat, to dwell upon what goes into my body, and to have the option to refuse what many people could only dream of. But when will the guilt stop? To be honest I don't think it ever will, because I can never look at anything from one point of view. I can only ever listen to everyone, if they offend me or not, I don't forget the seed that gets planted, then it intertwines with all the other growing thoughts from all the other seeds.  I always said if I chose this path I would never preach. Yet I'll admit I'm embarrassed to even tell I'm considering it to some people, as often meat eaters will preach the most, 'as it's all about the science'. To be honest for many years I have concentrated on what I eat, and at times let it rule my world, for good or not so good reasons, but one thing my partner has always reminded me for 9 years is "you stress so much about what you put into your body, you forget that the stress is the most damaging thing to your health". And dare I say it..... he's right! And it seems I am on that roller coaster again.

The reason I choose to write about this now, is I have gotten to the point of meat making me sick to the stomach. I gave up fish a few years ago, for reasons I won't share because then I will be that preacher I aim to avoid! Before I was never a big meat eater, since doing yoga I have wanted to follow ahimsa (no harm to any living being), as I do now really get sad just thinking of the trauma any animal has to go through. The challenge is, I go home to England to a cow farm. I see how well they are treated, I see how many people are thankful to my family for providing them with local, free range sustainable food for their families. I really only used to eat meat that I knew how it was sourced, or when it was cooked for me. I again would focus on not being the difficult person at the dinner party, or in the room. I would just eat what I was given, again grateful for the efforts a person would go through to serve me a meal. I rarely craved meat, or ordered when in a restaurant, unless I could ask the chef about the life, and diet of the poor thing I was even considering. But I then became that embarrassing person to take out. I have eaten meat only a couple of times over the past few months and each time I didn't enjoy a bite. The texture, the thought, all wrong, and I can't even put my finger on when that happened.
Do I believe in the massive health benefits of being vegetarian or vegan? Once again yes I do, but I also believe the arguments against. As a person who limits dairy as much as possible (although struggle to say goodbye to cheese) I fully understand the problems dairy brings to our systems, not that I am lactose intolerant, but my body knows when I've had too much, but I am scared to reduce significant protein sources. The past few weeks I have felt weak and tired, but I don't think its lack of protein, but high stress, lack or exercise and general SAD (seasonal effect disorder), but who's to tell, although I can probably guess what you meat eaters are thinking right now. I did read once never to change your diet as the seasons get colder as you body fights for survival more frequently and uses stored reserves. When I was India I didn't eat meat, but did I feel better? Not really, apart from when I was on my yoga retreat. Fully vegetarian, but they cooked without garlic or onions, and yes I felt great, but I also slept more and relaxed more than I have in years. I have researched a lot into Ayurveda, and try to incorporate many of these areas into my life, and these are definitely two food items a person such as myself should avoid. Since leaving India, I rarely cook with onions or garlic and the only time I feel groggy the morning after a meal is when I eat out, (because where can you buy meals without these two ingredients these days,) or too much cheese or sugar (don't get me started on trying to give up sugar). Ok........ you are onto to me, as I am avoiding trying to be a fully fledged vegan out of convenience, for cooking for two, meals out and weak will, to give up cakes and milk chocolate.


Either way I will continue on my journey, eat what feels right and just be thankful for the delightful and yummy array of choices I have available to put on my plate.


  

The annoyed Ashtangi

So I am going to start being honest here and say that since my move my yoga practice has been shameful. I have been busy here there and everywhere, and write this post while away with work. I planned to get settled in Calgary and establish a stronger practice, but waiting to get settled is still in progress. I was finding the only way I could practice was by getting myself to a studio. This way nothing else could distract me and I could give myself that time. This was wrong. Now I'm in a new city I can make the most of new studio offers. Usually as a promotion studios do an intro week or month for around $30 or $40. So I had hoped I could make the most of this. In a way this is a good thing so I could try different teachers and styles. I was so desperate to practice that I didn't care where I would go. But what started to happen was the complete opposite effect. I was getting irritated, bored and resentful. I realized I am an ashtangi!
  What's an ashtangi some of you may ask? Well I practice ashtanga and they say certain types are attracted to this practice. People who are matter of fact, who like hard work, discipline, goals, expectations, and measurability. I teach ashtanga and vinyasa, but vinyasa is a sequence made by the teacher, but I learnt vinyasa, from someone who also practices ashtanga. My teacher, Shareen, has never disappointed in any of her vinyasa classes. Her classes were packed with athletes and I would say she had a cult following of students who like a class to challenge them. The reason I resonated with her classes is they were well structured and always well planned. She had a practice set all the time, and I could see she practiced her own sequences. She was direct with her instructions, never over talked and on occasion would lighten the work with a comical comment here and there, as she could laugh at herself if she accidentally said the wrong word here or there. Maybe Shareen has set my expectation at such a high level, and finding a vinyasa class with anyone else will never have the same effect.
  When I was in Edmonton with David Robson, who only teaches ashtanga, he commented on how its good to follow ashtanga as it's an established practice. Its more than one person in front of a room, guessing what works for the class at that time. This was a great comment, and yes I agree but I used to love vinyasa as I always felt safe in Shareen's classes. BUT I have just had some really awful classes, in fact let me reword, awful experiences, that I am struggling to even contemplate doing a vinyasa class in another studio again. I don't want to blame the class, because upon leaving the class, many students would comment how amazing it was, how great the teacher was and how amazing they felt! I on the other hand, had other comments to share. Firstly when a teacher walks into a class of 15 people and asks what people want to do and they answer 'sweat' this has me worried. We are in a hot yoga room of course we will, so we could all lie down and feel lovely if that is the only goal. So has that teacher got anything planned for us, is she going to make it up there and then. Don't get me wrong, I have on occasion when I have had a class of 1-2 people asked them what they want to focus on, but I use sequences I have already taught, and I can adapt easier as there were a significantly less amount of people in front of me. Here I could pay close attention, give them direct guidance, advise them very specifically with their practice, and postures to suit their bodies.
  Why else would I get so wound up, you may think, it's yoga, shouldn't it relax me. YES but when someone tells you to 'intuitively welcome any movement that feels good', or that you should 'spread your fingers radiantly on the ground' I can't help wonder if I was the only one who noticed what weird instructions these were. How can you spread your fingers 'radiantly'? Telling me to do that doesn't making me feel lighter, more calm, or zen. It confuses me as I firstly try to understand how you could use that word in such a context. I was told to 'ride' the flow, but there was no flow as the movements were linked so statically, and you kept me standing there why you  tried to explain something you yourself couldn't even do. I felt unbalanced as you talked more when we were holding things on the left  compared to the right. You told me to take child's pose when I wasn't even tired. You had me inhaling into flexion, when I feel comfortable exhaling here. You congratulated us, on how amazing we were but I don't need to be congratulated like I'm 5. I just wanted to practice, focus on my breath and have direct instruction as to how to perfect my posture.
  I guess sometimes as a teacher you should never base yourself on who you aspire to be like, but focus on who you don't want to be. I would love to teach classes as good as Shareen, and that I am respected as much as she is, but I believe I have worked hard on creating my own style. I believe I teach as I know best, I teach to those how they need it, and I aim to read my audience and how to change the pace each day, based on their skill.  I hope I explain enough to set a foundation for my students, but also allow them peace in the class to figure things out in their own bodies. I hope my classes flow, and make sense, with some excitement as I mix things up, but predictable enough that they can be safe as they transition and hold, and see the progression in themselves over time. When I am proud of them I smile to myself, and make note to share my observation at the end of class, as it resonates more with them here, when we are at the same level.
  For now I will reach my teacher through the cyber world which will remind me of why I went deeper into my yoga journey, and excite me back into vinyasa again. Check out Shareen's classes at: https://www.youtube.com/user/ShareenYoga. You won't be disappointed.