The reason I've returned

I have one particular friend you can thank about we rekindling with my blog. I guess everyone starts writing one with all good intentions to write regularly, however are people who write blogs, often the most busiest people of them all? I can’t believe its been over a year, and trust me I had a new years resolution back then to blog more! Believe it or not, I hate being centre of attention, don’t get me wrong I like recognition, but I’ve spent my life doubting myself and always wanting to be better, never really believing compliments are true, and I often think who really cares firstly about my thoughts and in general I wonder what’s my point it writing them down. I am sitting on a plane embarking on a very long journey to Vietnam, and as I spent a very late evening packing my bag just two days ago, I came across a journal, filled with only a few pages I once started to write. It was a present from my wonderful partner, although I had never written in a journal before, many people have said I may one day regret that. I get told I’ve had an interesting life, but really I don’t even believe it. I’ve seen some really painfully sad,  but also amazingly, breathtaking things, and I’ve had some epic adventures with friends, my love and solo, but I’ve been keen to embrace every part of it. I travelled with a friend once who hid her face in her journal documenting her feelings and I’ve spent many moments alone sitting next to someone behind a lens, and yes there is always something solid to show, but I do think I’ll hold on to those feelings I’ve felt longer than people will believe. But blogging lets me share what’s going on with people from different parts of the world, and saves me boring you with it when we do get to chat when I get home!

Travel is a funny thing, I love it and hate it at the same time, I used to think people who travel are the most educated in the world, that they are a select few amongst the community, but now its nothing new. Now I sense arrogance around it all, people who back pack have issues if you choose an all inclusive, as it’s not ‘real’, it becomes a competition of how many places you have on the next person and who can get to the most rural place ever to get the most authentic experience. Trust me I’ve been there and done it. I unfortunately now hear people apologize that they haven’t travelled enough, and sometimes feel scared to speak up in front of those who have ‘travelled’ But who cares it’s your life and if it makes you happy then live it, you are not alone whatever you choose. My mum always told me all she ever wanted in life was her home and her family. All these years later now we’re all out the house, she is living a very wonderful life, and I have to say I am often quite jealous, and I can’t wait for retirement! My goal once upon a time was to see  every continent, I have a few more things on my bucket list I’d like to see, and I still can’t get over the urgency to do it all now. I think since I’ve lived in Canada, I’ve simply experienced so much in one country alone that is everything feeling numb? Don’t get me wrong, I will NEVER take it for granted, but really do I have to visit every continent to prove a point, am I really scared that I’m letting someone down, maybe I’m scared its myself, because once upon a time I thought I would get to those places. I’ve been living these goals as if tomorrow was the end of the world and I’d die with regret. Now I see what a lot of nonsense, I’ve come extremely far and I’m doing it to the best of my ability. I have many years left and there is time to spread it all out. I’ve just had a fantastic Christmas with my dad and step-mum and it was exciting for me to witness Carole shed a tear at this first time experience and the beauty she was seeing for the first time. They embraced the cold like troopers, and its exciting to be part of the memories they made and stories they can share with people when they get home.

When I lived in Mauritius I had an amazing life, scuba diving, kite surfing and a whole lot more, but most of all I worked with the most wonderful people. When we were there, status was very apparent, and I will never take that for granted, the poorest of people would treat you so well and be the most generous to you, as if an honour to know you, yet you just wanted to be treated normal. However I fully understand we weren’t normal. I was 23 living on a tropical island. People would invite us to random weddings, people who had nothing in common with us would invite us out for dinner, was it status to be seen with us, or was it pure genuine? It was definitely both, depending on the person. The respect that’s been given to me on my travels over the years has been extraordinary whereas now  I live in a culture, where I feel sad as I feel our kids don’t even respect their elders enough. What I feel is a shame now, is that there are people out there who need these travelling adventures by spend thousands to appreciate what we have in our Western world, but are we literally throwing it in the face of those we flaunt ourselves in front of. I’ve caught myself saying it before, I don’t have the money for that, I’m not rich enough for that, yet here I am in this beautiful country, yet some of those people haven’t even left the mountain on where they live. Essentially I am their income, I buy, they eat. Tourism is what it is, if you’re doing from a backpack or a suitcase.

I think travelling has just got hard for me as I get older as I am definitely getting softer. I watch too many documentaries on Netflix, or a read factual books more than novels.  I’ve been to Vietnam before and Uganda with a ‘volunteer’ project and I always knew I got more out of it than what was giving. How could I at 19 and 21 make a significant impact with the volunteer systems in place. I did actually take on extra projects, to actually make more significant impact on smaller communities, I wasn’t happy with simply feeding orphan babies. I’m not Bono or lucky enough to have the money behind me to build a village but I asked to help more. With volunteering I felt I saw more rural things, and learnt more about the culture. Travelling gets harder the more I am away from England, its not longer home I’m afraid. My life is here, my career, my fiance and my two dogs. So leaving them is hard, because I understand the significant impact it has on those I leave, they don;t have family around to break up the tie I am gone. It really is becoming painful to do it, but again why do I, where did this need come from?

I never planned to visit Vietnam again, but I was approached by the director of No Ordinary Journey Foundation to assist with her project. This was a particularly intriguing offer, firstly because I was being recognized for my work as a conductor, which is often hard as we are so often unrecognized undervalued and sadly not respected by some professionals. She said with my experiences already working in third world countries, that she was confident I would be able to advocate as needed. It means a whole three weeks away from home, but in total 4 weeks as I left earlier to try and acclimatize to the time difference, so I don’t start and finish exhausted. To date this has been the hardest journey I’ve had to make, just because of the guilt that is put upon me. Taking time off was hard, telling people I was going alone was hard, and the reminders of how long I am going away for is even harder. Yet I don’t think I reminded anyone enough that really for three weeks I’ll be working 10 hour days, I would have to overcome some hard frustrations as I’m sure what we say is questioned and not believed. For a while I’ve been doubting my professional capacity, getting burnt out with stress of just not being that good at what I do. I need to be here for my professional learning, not for a month in the sun. To work with a team of players, an interdisciplinary team of players, all different but united by this very cause. I need to prove to myself that I have the knowledge to help people learn. My director told me, we are essentially training the trainer. No that sounds official, in my mere 30 years of life, I’m actually having people listen to me and maybe if I’m lucky implement my beliefs and (dare I say) knowledge. That’s why I’ve had to do this. That’s why I’m taking 3 flights to Vietnam, and that’s why I had to go through that pain, it’s a pretty exceptional opportunity, not only working first hand with the children, but planting roots that could help more after I leave. I hope this will be worth it!